So it’s morning now. I began working on this website at around 11pm. It’s 7:40am right now. I’m not even that tired. I’m plastered. I’m spent in a way. There’s more of a tiredness in my being than there is in my eyes. A mini-Apple Pie from the market kept me running all night. That and annoyance and hesitation and fear and a mess of other stuff. As I get older it seems to all get a bit more entrenched in my being. Change has come for me. I’m realizing that I’ve always been human. I just don’t know what that means now. What does it mean to be a person?
Answer questions I’m told, don’t just ask them. Well, being human means that death is coming. Today perhaps. I had a vision that I could die next week. That’s while I was doing yoga earlier on. I said to myself, “I’d go to the pyramids, touch them and lay in the sand. Then I’d realize that laying in the sand is no place to die… and I’d go off to a nice green place to let it all go into the universe.”
Why am I so disappointed with myself? Because I feel that what I’ve worked hard for, I don’t have, and what I haven’t worked hard for I should have. Besides hard work, I didn’t not work hard when it was time to let it all flow. I’m really mean to myself too and I’m in a paradoxical rut.
If you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.
I suppose… in some small ways… lately I have been waking up. My priorities have been a little bit straighter. I was sad that California didn’t just “fix” my problems. Hmmmmm…. let it go for now kid. Let it go and just listen.